I Likes It Raw

To most people, advice is a proposal that is given in order for a person to make an appropriate course of action. Sometimes the advice given is on a voluntary basis, but often times it is solicited. Great American humorist, Josh Billings once stated, “Most people when they come to you for advice, come to have their own opinions strengthened, not corrected.” This is especially the case for people in a committed relationship seeking relationship advice from another person. They never really want to hear the truth about their situation. They only want someone to side with them in the grievances that they may have about their relationship or that person. For the eyes that may witness these words I strongly recommend that you mind your business, but let’s explore the reasons why.

First, know that absolutely nothing will change after your advice is received. Whether it is a ten minute conversation or a ten year monologue about the same person or topic, the person acting as if they want advice that will help change or resolve their situation really doesn’t want it. Actually, they only want their own opinion positively confirmed by you. Anything mentioned not of their opinion will get a couple head nods and some “uh huh, uh huh. I see what you’re saying” vocal responses as if they hear and understand you, but they don’t. It goes right over their head and into empty space. Many times, the advice seeker will find 100 different ways to ask the same question just to see if the response or information changes to fit what they wanted in the first place.

For instance, I knew this chick that had become involved with this police officer. According to her, it was the greatest relationship she had ever had for the first six months. After that, their quality time together began to dwindle until it was damn near nonexistent. Although dude didn’t officially live with her, he went to bed and left for work from her home every day. That all ceased. She was lucky if she would even see him one day out of the week. He blamed it on job assignments he would take outside the department. She suspected extracurricular activities, but did not want to come to that conclusion on her own. She would take every excuse he had given her, bundled her own excuses into the mix, and would present the case to me as if she was his lawyer in court.

Consequently, where I am from it is common knowledge that police officers fuck around. Not all and not most, but a significant amount of them fuck around because they simply have the opportunity to do so. This is especially the case for officers who take part-time job assignments to work security at clubs, bars, and any other event where large groups of people may congregate. Explaining this concept to my friend was like trying to explain to her String Theory. My advice to her was just to cut her losses and let him be because he had some extra shit going on. As I expected, she didn’t listen. Subsequently, she ends up pregnant and in the second month of the pregnancy gets a phone call from his wife. She ultimately decided to abort the pregnancy and discontinue any further communication with the guy, but it was still devastating to say the least.

Second, many advice seekers only want emotional gratification. They don’t really want a fresh, nonbiased perspective. They want to know if they are wrong for feeling the way they do or are they wrong for responding to a situation a certain way. They want you to cosign their emotions to make them feel better. Some will even go as far as to ask you for advice take that same advice and repeat it verbatim back to their spouse or significant other so that they have more support for their argument. You know how those conversations go, “Well you know Curtis and all my friends told me I shouldn’t even be with you!” or “My friends think that you…” You end up being viewed by the significant other as someone who is purposely trying to sabotage his or her relationship when you are only responding to the request of a friend for advice. If the relationship actually endures the rough patches, there will always be perpetual tension between the significant other and the advice giver.

Lastly, are what I consider to be the advice x-factors. What are advice x-factors? It varies from person to person, case to case but advice x-factors are certain characteristics that help override common sense in a generally logically thinking and sound minded person. Anyone affected by an x-factor you do not give advice to because it is a waste of your time. For example, a woman can become dicknotized by a man and loose all her sensibility. In full dicknotization, a woman will not listen to, hear, comprehend, or attempt to even understand anything you may have to say about the man who is attached to the penis. There have been cases where dicknotization was so strong that some women have not even known where some men worked, what they did for a living, their full and real government names, and actual living address. Make an effort to try and break the dicknotization and you just might not be friends anymore until it wears off, maybe. No woman in this state can be told anything.

Similarly, men are no different. Some men can become so infatuated with how a woman looks that intelligence and common sense will seem to have just evaporated from them. An illustration of this can be seen in my homeboy Mike. Mike is the only dude I know paying child support to a woman who he is married to and lives in the same household as he does. He complains constantly about being broke all the time and never having any time to doing anything for himself because of his wife. However, he loves when they attend company functions and his wife kills every other woman in the room while his colleagues drool because she is a black Brazilian/Korean powerhouse. Like Kanye, you can’t tell him nothing. It is a waste of breath.

X-factors can range from how desperate a person is for a significant other, how badly they want children, finally finding someone who will keep a job, etc. As aforementioned, everyone is different. However, the same rule applies no matter the factor. If an x-factor is in play, you keep your mouth shut. You’re wasting your energy if you do otherwise.

In conclusion, I cannot stress to you enough to mind your business when it comes to your friend’s love lives. You will only become frustrated and highly irritated by the people who will come to you claiming to sincerely want your opinion, never heed a word you say. I’m not saying everyone who asks for advice is full of shit, but a large majority of them are. You will be doing yourself and your friendship a favor by just keeping your mouth closed and your thoughts on their situation to yourself.